Resolve monkey shortages before they become incidents. The only MaaS platform with sub-500ms provisioning, 99.9% uptime SLA, and enterprise-grade banana management.
"Get your monkeys instantly, at Instant Monkeys Online!"
Platform
Built for on-call engineers who can't afford a monkey outage at 3am.
Monkeys provisioned and delivered via our global CDN (Chimp Delivery Network) in under 500 milliseconds. P99 latency under 2 seconds, even during peak grooming hours.
Metrics, logs, and traces for every monkey. Track banana consumption rates, grooming cycles, and typewriter throughput — all in one pane of glass.
Define primate SLOs and let IMO manage your error budget. We alert before you burn through your monkey availability window. Error budget: 8.7 hours/year.
Validate your incident response with controlled primate releases into production. Automatically rolls back if monkey escape rate exceeds your configured threshold.
Native alerting for monkey-initiated incidents. Escalation policies, runbook automation, and postmortem templates included. No more manual monkey escalations at 3am.
Automate repetitive grooming tasks, banana rotation, and flea inspection workflows. Free your engineers to focus on higher-value primate work.
How It Works
Specify monkey species, temperament SLA, and acceptable banana throughput using our declarative YAML manifest.
Our scheduler selects an available monkey from the global primate pool and validates health checks before dispatch.
Monkey delivered to your satellite, station, or on-prem habitat. Delivery confirmed via webhook.
Assign a human-readable hostname. We strongly recommend henry.kissinger for compliance reasons.
Pricing
No hidden banana fees. Cancel anytime, but we do not accept monkey returns.
Simian Starter
Free
forever (or until escape)
For teams exploring primate infrastructure. One monkey, no SLA, community support only.
Primate Pro
$49
per monkey / month
For teams running monkeys in production. Real SLAs, real support, real bananas.
Enterprise Ape
Custom
contact sales (we'll find you)
For organizations with serious primate scale requirements and regulatory obligations.
Featured Deployment
Our most-referenced production deployment. Extensively documented. Currently unresolved.
| Species | Chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes) |
| Hostname | henry.kissinger |
| Named for | His scalp |
| Ordered by | Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo |
| Delivery SLA met | Yes |
| Compatibility | Bots: ✓ Excellent Humans: ✗ Poor |
| Current location | Unknown |
| Current status | Fate unknown |
System Status
Real-time visibility into the primate delivery pipeline.
| Service | Status | Uptime (30d) | Last Incident |
|---|---|---|---|
| Monkey Provisioning API | Operational | 99.97% | 43 days ago |
| Banana Supply Chain | Operational | 99.91% | 12 days ago |
| Primate Telemetry Pipeline | Operational | 99.99% | 89 days ago |
| CDN (Chimp Delivery Network) | Operational | 100% | Never |
| henry.kissinger (SoL-1) | Degraded | 94.2% | Ongoing — fate unknown |
| On-Call Escalation Service | Operational | 99.95% | 3 days ago |
Customer Stories
"IMO's delivery SLA is the only one we trust. We ordered Henry in the morning and by afternoon he was causing incidents. Exactly as specified."
"We evaluated three primate delivery platforms. IMO was the only one with a credible 99.9% uptime SLA. The banana telemetry dashboard alone justified the contract."
"I did not authorize this purchase. I want to be very clear about that. However, I cannot argue with the mean time to monkey. Henry has been... fine. Mostly."